As you approach the Altar in Marriage

We all know that, as a wedding couple prepares to approach the altar, they bring with them all the hopes, dreams, common sense, intelligence, courage, confidence and goodwill that brought them together in the first place. But, in almost all cases, they also bring some baggage that will be a factor, throughout their lives. We’ll take a look at some of the big issues that any couple considering marriage should be thinking about. Couples can better prepare themselves for the changes in marriage by looking hard and honestly at a number of key issues.

1. Work on good communication: Being able to talk over everything with your spouse (or future spouse) makes for a vital relationship. It doesn’t matter whether the subject matter is a concern about how a family member really upsets you or even if it is about that annoying mannerism of your fiancée. By talking it out regularly, and patiently, you develop skills and trust to tackle more major issues that may arise.

2. Learn how to fight fair: Most married couples have a few standard ongoing fights—perhaps five or so themes. They might include children, sex (or the lack of it), finances, in-laws and hurt feelings. Every couple’s list might be slightly different, yet there are some similarities as well. Perhaps you have already figured out what five fights you will have over the lifetime of a marriage. Jot them down—on the margin right here. Now, try to figure out what you can do differently in your responses to help things go more constructively.

3. Be prepared to accept change: The average age for marrying in our society is around 26, so there is a lot of time for surprise and change for married couples. Openness to trying out new things is important. Sometimes changes are beyond our control. We don’t ask for them. Whatever these changes are, coping with them well is important.

4. Learn to accept your in-laws: Over your lifetime chances are slim that your future spouse’s family will move in with you. But their presence is just as real in their influence. They are the people who have shaped and formed the one with whom you will spend your life. Sometimes your future spouse will have very similar personality traits that you have observed in his or her family members. Patience and understanding, as well as honesty, are important.

5. Discuss your goals about children: What qualities from your future spouse might you want to see in your own children? Children are an exciting part of a marriage, but they are demanding and draining. You need to decide early, ideally before marriage, how your children will be raised in your religious faith, especially if your partner is of another faith tradition. It’s also consoling to see the grandparents, on both sides, accepting these children.